I don't know how to face you guys..the one who's always there through most of my basketball years..since the beginning and up till now.. We've faced a lot of things, some rough patches, through thick and thin, sweet and sour of the passion we shared together. Some helped me to stand and then gave up in the process, some helped me to walk, to run..faster. But looking at me now, I'm almost giving up and I know that these guys will think that all their hard work are as good as nothing. I'm too 'old' already guys.
I don't know when will I say 'goodbye' officially. My mind started betraying me and made my body it's accomplices and I don't have anything else to depend on.
"Stop it already, aren't you tired of it? Why would you wanted to go farther? What do you really want to prove and to whom? I don't see anymore reason for you to keep going on.." says my damn mind.
"I won't listen to you anymore, passion..! I will do what ever I like and disobeying you is on the list, so you know it." says my rebellious body. "And I won't take anymore injuries.. Should you be enough about it, or you want to see me withering to death, and just then will you consider to quit..?"
The one thing I do with all my heart put in it is now seems to be nothing more than just a game. A game which I used be proud to say that "Yeah, I play basketball..I want to improve, I want to be able to do more, I want to play more game.. I want to go farther with basketball.." but sorry to say that, everything seems so hazy, blurry, unrealistic, dim..and whatever word I can find to fit my uncertainty about how I feel right now..about how I see basketball right now.
Deep down in my heart, I do hope this is just a fluctuation of emotions and feelings generated by my scattered brain. But part of realistic me tells that the time is almost there, for me to stop my basketball life.
Why do I have these unsure and insecure feelings? I don't know. Maybe it's because of I'm pretty much stressed out right now, with all the inconsistency in labwork results, time is almost up for me to wrap up my MSc, with my mom calling and asking about when will I finish, with other friends who are already settled down and will get on to next stage of their life sending wedding cards, with my mom-to-be best friend ever..it seems that only me stuck in the same stage of life, pretending not to age and still young to hassle around with basketball. I don't know.. I just don't know.
I need more time for myself. Well, that's escalated too fast.